Fast Thumbs and a Slow Brain

SQUINTING through the curtains of rain that lashed on his windscreen, Liam steered his shitty little Nissan with one hand around the long bend towards Stepaside Village. ‘Fuck fuck shit shit motherfucker,’ he called out. He never paid attention to the little details, he cursed. Always acting before thinking, gut before head, that was him alright …. gut before fecking head. He needed help, he had concluded.

As he pulled in against the curb on main street, Liam ground his teeth upon hearing the hubcaps scrape against the concrete. ‘Fecking rain’, he sighed. ‘I can’t see for shit.’ He leapt out of the car, clicking it locked from his key as he bound towards the blue door beside the local Laundromat. There was no answer to the pounding on the door administered by Liam’s closed fist and his white t-shirt had already gotten so wet from the torrent dropping down to earth in loud slaps that it clung to him as clear as a sheet of plastic. ‘Where the hell is he?’ With practiced precision Liam began to chew at the inside of his lower lip, giving into the anxious reflexes which at twenty-eight, he knew he was to young to have. Finally, the door opened to a dark hallway where two small eyes among a face of stubble blinked out at Liam.

‘Story?’ coughed Paulie. Standing in his underwear and a large orange hoodie.

‘I need your help. I downloaded that Tinder App you recommended and …’

‘Say no more. Get in out of the rain. I’m your man.’

Liam followed Paulie up the stairs and into the little flat. Paulie muted the Formula One on the television, sat down in his favourite rocking chair and cracked a can.

‘Let me guess,’ Paulie slurped. ‘She had one picture and looked alright. But when you met you barely recognised her, correct? I mean I honestly don’t know how these people live with themselves. This is modern day fraud! False advertising, like.’

‘What…no. Jesus, Paulie! I … I connected with someone and we exchanged a few messages and agreed to meet tonight.’

‘Well that’s great man. Still though you need to be careful … there are some real unsavoury people out there.’ Paulie took a deep slug of beer and crossed one leg over the other.

‘Man … I didn’t notice till after that ….’ the shame Liam felt out of thinking the words he was about to say forced a lump the size of a Volkswagen Beetle to form in his throat. ‘She’s in a wheelchair.’

Paulie seemed to think on what his friend had said to him, wiggling his hairy toes and rubbing his smooth bald head as he did so.

‘How does someone not notice someone is in a wheelchair.’ He finally spoke.

‘I dunno man,’ with sudden urgency Liam scratched the back of his neck. ‘The first picture was just her face and then we got to talking and I sent her a video and it just went from there.’

‘A dirty video?’

‘A funny video. Feck sake Paulie.’

‘I see. How long do you wait before sending a dirty one? Because for me it’s a first five-minutes kind of thing…’

‘Paulie!’ Liam growled and a flash of sternness filled his pale blue eyes.

‘Ok ok,’ Paulie smirked at his friend in need. ‘Is she a looker?’

‘Beautiful.’

‘Sexy?’

‘Yes.’

‘Seems normal?’

‘We only wrote a handful of times but she’s funny … and seems pretty damn smart too. Wa smarter than me.’

‘So what’s the problem?’

Now it was Liam’s turn to think. Technically there was no problem. But what if she thought he was going to be in a wheelchair too and when he walks up to her she might feel awkward? What if he likes from the get go? What if this girl bowls him over … would he go out with a disabled person or would he break it off just because she was disabled? He flicked and flicked through the pages of his mind, almost frightened to learn what he might about his inner depths, if he even had any, and if he could look himself in the mirror after.

‘I dunno man. It’s just different I guess. There’s a pressure here kind of. It’s all in my head I know. But I’m not sure if I’ve misled her and if not maybe I won’t want to see her again and she’ll think its because she’s in a chair. Sorry, I’m being a little bitch I know.’

‘Well yes and no. I know you and I can tell you you are not a bitch. It’s just new territory is all. But I think I have something that might settle your nerves,’ Paulie grinned, knocked back the remainder of his can and left the room, signalling for Liam to follow.

Paulie’s spare room was a grim place. Essentially when the recycling bin was full, this room caught the excess. There were cardboard boxes and empty beer cans … copies of Auto Trader Magazine that went back years and the place smelled like Easy Singles cheese slices. Liam regarded it as a miracle that they weren’t up to their knees in rats. Paulie began tossing boxes to the side and removing batches of magazines tied in big blocks with string.

‘Ta daaaaaaa …’ Paulie announced standing to one side with outstretched arms. Sitting in the corner of the room, was a wheelchair. ‘I stole this one from the emergency room at Saint Vincent’s a couple of Halloweens ago. I was dressing up as Christy Brown and needed a prop.’

Liam was dumfounded. He had come here for some advice on how to politely get out of a date. Now he was staring at a stolen hospital wheelchair and knew what his friend was thinking.

‘Not a chance.’

‘Wait, hear me out.’

‘Are you fucking nuts Paulie? I’m concerned about handling a situation sensitively and you want me to pretend I’m paralysed?’

‘It doesn’t have to be paralysis. It can be just a regular injury you will recover from. We can give you a good back story. Something cute like you rescued a dog from a mountain goat on the edge of a cliff.’

‘Goats don’t eat dog. And if I know that I promise you she definitely does.’

‘All I’m saying is … you arrive at the date in the chair. And if you don’t want to go out again you’re letting her know that from a chair; that chair! You wont have to worry about her thinking it’s because she can’t walk. And if you like her and want to continue seeing her, you can make a recovery. See what I’m getting at?’’

Liam didn’t know what to say. He hated to admit it, but there was some backwards logic of sorts here. He could go on the date and if he didn’t want to see her again he could do it guilt free and she wouldn’t suspect his motives.

‘This might work,’ Liam reluctantly exhaled. He tapped his converse on the carpet and crossed his skinny arms.

‘Of course it will son.’ Said Paulie, his tone far far too satisfied.

‘Does it go?’

‘Well I haven’t taken it out for a test drive recently but I don’t see why it wouldn’t.’

‘There’s a nack to these things. I’ve never been in one.’ Said Liam hesitantly.

‘We’ll have a practice session in the apartment so you can get your bearings. Really there’s not much to it.’

‘Aye says you,’ Liam loudly exhaled and closed his eyes. ‘Feck sake, I can’t believe I’m doing this. Right, lets get it out into the hall.’

‘Well we should agree on a price first, no?’

‘Get it into the hall Paulie!’ Liam growled again, this time making his friend jump a little off the filthy floor.

Liam sat in his Nissan with the engine off. He had discarded his regular uniform of jeans and a t-shirt and now nervously wore brown brogues, navy slacks and a crisp white shirt with the sleeves neatly rolled below his elbows. The restaurant’s neon sign could be seen flickering not far down the road. The red, green and white which spelled out Trattoria Pizzeria da Mamo. Liam pushed back his sandy coloured hair from his forehead, gripped the wheel and gave out three heavy exhales as if psyching himself up for a skydive. When he was ready he hoisted himself out of the car and walked around to the boot. The rain had stopped leaving dirty puddles along the pavement, but a cold breeze remained. Anxiously, Liam looked up and down the dark empty street. It seemed the bad weather had kept most people cuddle in their living rooms, Liam thanked his blessings. But just to be safe he made sure to park as far from a streetlamp as possible.

Quickly, Liam opened the boot and removed the wheelchair which was folded in on itself. It was extremely light and easy to move. Liam slammed the door shut, pulled the chair open and sat down. Again he looked up and down the street and saw nothing, though now he was considerably closer to the ground and could not see over the other parked cars. He waited. Maybe to see if someone would jump out of the alleyway to announce his fraud and make a citizen’s arrest but it did not happen. And so he placed his feet on the footrests and slowly began wheeling himself towards the little Italian bistro.

Paulie was right of course, there wasn’t much to moving the wheelchair. Both hands in sync but he must be careful not to get his fingers caught when dragging his hands back for the next push. Liam had learned this the hard way and now sported only half a nail on his left ring-finger. They had practiced moving from one end of Paulie’s dank little apartment to the other, with Paulie shouting instructions between slugs of beer and shouting at the TV. Liam was able to navigate his way around a coffee table and even reverse should he need to. All in all, both of the lads felt they had done a good job preparing.

The chair moved a little faster on the concrete than it did on Paulie’s carpet, but that didn’t matter much. Liam pulled up outside the glass door and looked through. There was a fog on the glass from the heat inside but the place was clearly full and alive with chatter. It was time.

'Feck,’ said Liam out loud though he did not mean to. On the side of the door was four letters printed clearly. P U S H. Bollox, He said, this time in the confines of his own skull, we should’ve practiced doors. Liam cocked his head to the side as if he were viewing a framed picture to determine if it were hung straight on the wall. He reached forward and pushed. The door inched inwards for a moment before closing again. Liam scrunched his nose and gave another little push, this time grabbing his wheels as fast as he could to try and catch the door; he failed. At this point he didn’t want help from anyone and hoped his efforts had gone unnoticed. Momentum! Yes, this was the key. Liam backed-up a bit and gave two hard rolls towards the door. As he flew forward he raised his left hand to connect with the glass and as he did kept wheeling with his right. The door went in and so did he, at least enough to stop the door from closing again. Liam elbowed himself the rest of the way inside and let the door shut behind himself … grinning broadly and looking back at it like it were a fallen enemy.

In the warmth of the restaurant Liam looked up and around from his new angle on life. It wasn’t that people weren’t looking at him that caught his attention so to speak, it was more that they were trying hard not to. There’s a natural disruption when someone enters a room. A flicker in the peripheral that causes natural glances as attentions are caught for the quickest of moments. But not now. Now people from whom Liam knew he should’ve earned at least a flash of a look had their smiles pinned to their faces and continued to talk or laugh without even blinking in his direction. It felt so … odd.

‘Good evening sirrrrrrrrrrr,’ the effervescent Maitre’d bound towards Liam wearing a white shirt, suspenders and a polite smile under a line of fluffy lip hair trying diligently to be a moustache. ‘I believe you are over here.’ The Maitre’d gestured to a table by the fogged window where a young lady sat. The chairs had been removed and she had wheeled in snugly with her back to the wall.

The young lady had long dark hair hanging from underneath a thick green beanie and brown eyes the size of saucers. Her lips had the slightest colouring of pink and her cheeks bulged as she smiled; a smile that could light up a whole town for winter. Liam wheeled towards her, fixated on her, and as he did people scooted in their chairs to make way for his movement.

‘Matilda?’ Liam smiled at her and extended his hand which she softly took.

‘Nice to meet you Liam.’

Liam manoeuvred himself to his side of the table and looked at her without saying a word. Once again his heart started to pound, echoing like a drum inside his chest. Matilda wasn’t just prettier than she had been in her pictures, she seemed to glow. She sat elegantly across from him in a fitted black button-up, her nails bubble gum pink and no visible jewellery except for a chunky G-Shock watch..

‘You look wonderful,’ he found his ability to speak. ‘That’s a lovely shirt you’re wearing.’

‘Thank you. You do too. I’ve never been here before so wasn’t sure how fancy it was. I hope I’m ok.’

‘You’re perfect.’ Liam meant this as he continued to look at her.

Matilda beamed back at him in an almost self conscious way before looking down at her menu, and at that moment Liam knew he was up shit creek without a paddle in sight.

‘What are you thinking for your tummy tums?’ she asked Liam after thoroughly regarding food list.

‘Oh like,’ Liam began sheepishly. It’s funny how all of a sudden what food you order may have long term implications on your love life, he thought. ‘I’m gonna be really unoriginal and get a Bolognese. I haven’t had pasta in ages. You?’

‘I think the chop with roasty potatoes.’ Matilda announced proudly.

‘Aha a carnivore thank God. Yeah that sounds nice actually.’ Liam wondered if by him not ordering the steak rare with rare potatoes and rare vegetables was he doing himself a disservice.

‘Are you territorial?’

‘Eh … it depends.’ Christ, was this an alpha male question. ‘I have a favourite chair I like.’

‘No silly. I mean will we share the food. Tasty for tasty, this kind of thingy?’

‘Oh … of course. Would you like me to order something else?’

‘No, yours sounds nice too.’ Matilda nodded with approval.

‘How about drinks. Wine?’

‘Beer.’ said Matilda, igniting another warm smile. ‘They have Peroni by the bottle.‘

‘Well that suites me grand.‘ They were two minutes in and this was already the best first date of Liam’s short but illustrious life. He couldn’t put his finger on it … it was just her energy, her … way of being. The waitress appeared a moment later and took their order, swiftly bringing back their beers and jug of ice cold water. The restaurant was small and cozy with candles flickering from the centre of every table. The music was a jolly instrumental that to Liam just sounded Italian for no particular reason. Maybe he heard it before in a movie, he mused.

‘So what do you do? I suppose I didn’t ask online so I could keep it for an icebreaker.’ Liam laughed. He hated small talk but it had its uses.

‘Ha, that’s ok. I’m a secretary. You?’

‘I paint.’

‘Oh wow ... landscapes?’

‘Houses and schools mostly.’

‘Bwah Ha … Oh ... sorry.’ Matilda erupted.

‘That’s ok. Being a secretary must be fun. A lot of balls in the air it always seemed to me.’

‘It gets a bit tiring being on the phone all day, but I love the people I work with. Are you able to do much painting in that thing? Matilda asked, nodding at Liam’s chair.

Feck, Liam said to himself again. He hadn’t lasted long before he screwed this up. ‘Eh, I’m more on the administration end. I chip in now and then. I’m a demon with a roller.’ Liam grinned. What was he doing. He wasn’t a good liar. He hated lying. And now he was digging a deeper hole for himself with almost every sentence that came out of him. But Matilda just shrugged her shoulders and they moved on.

‘Do you use Tinder much?’ She asked.

‘You are my first.’

‘My my … should I be gentle?’

‘Please … I’m only little.’ They both laughed unashamedly in each others faces. ‘What about you?’

‘First time in Ireland. I’ve used it when I travel. It can be hard meeting people when travelling alone. I’m sure you know this.’

‘Yes,’ Liam answered blankly.

‘I was so glad you picked a restaurant. Part of me wanted to go to the movies but you don’t get to speak to the person much. I don’t like folk really, but sometimes I miss conversation.’

‘What would you have liked to go see.’

‘Venom!!’ Matilda beamed once again with a childlike enthusiasm. ‘It looks like so much fun and the villain types are always more interesting.’

‘Yeah none will be as good as Heath Ledger.’

‘He was mega hey. You could be right.’

‘What he did was just on a different level. Every scene he was in, it felt like the audience were holding their breath.’ Matilda nodded enthusiastically.

‘You nod your head a lot don’t you?’

‘Yip. I speak with my nods. Does it bother you?’

‘Not one bit.’

Matilda appeared happy by his comment, but how could anyone not appreciate the way she was.

‘AHA …’ The music shifted in a way that seemed to excite Matilda. ‘This song, it reminds me of, I’ve Got That Tune, by Chinese Man Records. Do you know them?’

‘I don’t think so.’

‘French trip-hop. They’re super super great.’

‘A French trip-hop band called Chinese Man.’

‘Yeah the name is weird, I know this. I don’t understand it. But the music is legit. Fuck Martha Stewart.’ Matilda giggled almost uncontrollably.

‘Huh?’ Liam laughed not having a clue what she meant.

‘Oh I’m sorry. Just give their album, Groove Session’s, a listen and you’ll understand. Let me know your thinking. The song Washington Square is dope too.’

They finished their beers while they chatted and ordered two more before their food even arrived. Liam liked to listen to her. She got enthusiastic about the oddest of things and had an infectious raspy cackle. She laughed at his quick remarks and when she talked fast she played with her hair, curling it around her finger. Liam was enjoying her company so much he shifted in his chair a little without thinking. When Matilda didn’t seem to notice he breathed a little easier. They talked about movies and music and nature and space and how they spent their time. Liam was captivated. She had him in her clutches, more and more with every minute that passed.

‘I need to go to the jax,’ said Liam. Placing his hands on the side of his chair to help himself stand up. But he didn’t, he caught himself just in time and felt flush with nerves. He coughed, and offered a weak smile before wheeling himself away from Matilda and her confused facial expression. He scolded himself, how could he be so fecking stupid. But this whole situation was stupid, wasn’t it?

Finding his way into the disabled toilet he locked the door and got out of his wheelchair. When he finished relieving himself he began pacing the small bathroom.

‘You need to tell her man,’ he eyed himself in the mirror. ‘But not tonight. Just walk with her … wheel with her to her bus and call her first thing tomorrow. Explain, and if she wants nothing to do with you after that then so be it.’

Liam rubbed some cold water on the back of his neck and wheeled himself back into the restaurant. As he motioned towards Matilda something seemed different, despite her welcoming him with another smile. Their empty plates had been cleared and she had ordered coffee for the both of them.

‘Is the bathroom clean?’ She asked, taking a sip of her americano.

‘Yes … yes it’s nice. One of the better ones.’

‘I might wait until I get back home.’

For the first time since his arrival, Liam felt an awkward silence.

‘I’ve been meaning to ask,’ Matilda began. ‘You weren’t born to a chair were you?’

Liam felt every muscle in his body tense to an almost industrial strength. His ass cheeks squeezed so hard he was worried he may buckle his tailbone. The room was hot … very hot.

‘Uh … no.’ Said Liam as casually as humanly possible.

‘Because you said this was your first time on Tinder.’

‘Yes … yes it is…’ Liam was wondering where she was going with this but continued to act aloof.

‘In one of your pictures you’re playing basketball. Looks like you’re running at quite a speed too. Which is fine of course. That doesn’t mean much. People have had lives before accidents. I had a life before mine.’

The rate of which the sweat was pumping itself out of Liam’s pours could only be compared to a geyser. He tried to blink but wasn’t able. He tried to speak but didn’t know what to say. Matilda leaned forward and casually pushed his steaming cup of coffee onto his lap. It was such a strange experience, Liam acknowledged to himself. He was in real fucking pain. The Italians had made the coffee hot enough to loosen a lair of skin. Yet he didn’t budge, finding himself for the first time on this date, to be paralysed. Smoothly and using only one hand, Matilda manoeuvred her chair out from its spot and along side Liam. Some customers were starting to suspect something was going on at their table and this time weren’t shy about looking. Matilda pushed the point of her steak knife, which she had discreetly kept, into Liam’s thigh just a little and studied his face for a sign of reaction.

‘Are you fucking with me?’ she snarled in his ear. ‘Is this a joke? Do you have friends here or something?’

‘I swear no,’ said Liam with desperation in voice, throwing his aloof-ness to the wind. ‘It’s just a misunderstanding and some stupid decisions.’

‘Don’t dare try and tell me you’re a paraplegic.’

‘I’m not. I’m sorry I’m not.’ Liam felt the knife break his skin. ‘Look, I didn’t come here like this to fuck with you. I was nervous because you’re in a chair and I didn’t think and I got dumb advice from a stupid friend but I was still too stupid not to listen to him. It’s the truth I swear.’

‘You’re a fucking moron.’ Matilda told him.

‘Yes. Total agreement.’ This time it was Liam nodding.

‘I’m out of here. You’re paying for the grub,’ Matilda dropped the knife to the floor and grabbed her wheels.

‘Wait … please.’ Liam pleaded.

She paused. There were no tears in her beautiful brown eyes or anything like that … only blood. What Liam was looking at was pure anger. Anger and feeling betrayed, misled, toyed with. By a new person she had no reason to suspect.

‘What?’ Matilda sighed.

‘I like you,’ Liam began. Knowing this was his only shot to not be an asshole. ‘I seriously like you and want to spend time with you because I have a hunch you’re the most uniquely amazing person I will ever meet.’ He waited, Matilda didn’t make a move. ‘I’m a really good guy. I know it doesn’t seem that way but I am and I’m one that would bend time and space if it meant making you happy.’ Liam didn’t think about his words. They just came out but he didn’t disagree with any of them because they were from inside and true. ‘I fucked up. What I did was so stupid and there’s no explaining it otherwise. If you would prefer never to hear from me again then I completely understand. But if there is even a microscopic chance you may want to keep me around a little bit longer. I will do anything … anything you want or that needs to be done to make that happen.’

Matilda didn’t give off any indication what she was thinking. As she contemplated what was before her, more and more heads turned to face them both.

‘Why should I want the same, fool?’ she eventually asked.

Liam had to be honest. ‘After the stress I’ve caused I can’t give you a good enough reason.’ He gulped. ‘But I’ll do anything for the chance. And I promise I’ll make it my mission to ensure you don’t regret giving me one.’

To Liam, the seconds felt like minutes. There were a lot of eyes on him now but he didn’t care. He only wanted one set of eyes on him and the same the next day and after that. That’s what mattered now.

‘You can start by standing up … and wheeling me out of here.’ Matilda instructed after a moments silence.

‘You want me to stand up?’ Liam asked, looking at all the eyes in the room looking his way.

‘If you’re not on your feet in two seconds you can kiss the chance goodbye.’ Matilda assured him.

Up Liam went, pushing the table forward as he did. The room watched, one man called out “what the fuck.” The music continued to play and the flames continued to dance on top of the candles. Liam stepped out, Matilda locking his eyes with hers as he moved slowly behind her, as if not to alert the wild and beautiful creature that she was. As he clasped the push handles, she sat back in silence.

‘I really am sorry.’

‘Shut up and push moron.’

Liam did as he was instructed and they both moved between two rows of tables towards the front door. The Maitre’d stood holding a slip of paper Liam knew to be the bill. He ignored the strange look the Maitre’d was giving him and looked at the amount owed. Liam took out his wallet from his slacks removed enough notes to cover the cost and handed them to the Maitre’d. Liam then looked at him and then back to his abandoned wheelchair.

‘Keep the change,’ Liam smiled and pulled the door for Matilda to go through. As they left the warmth of the restaurant Liam whispered to her.

‘So … what now?’

‘We’ll see what happens,’ Matilda said back to him. ‘One step at a time.’

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