Hey Babe

NEXT stop, Milltown. An chéad stad eile, Baile Muileann. The intercom called as the train eased its pace towards Dublin City. Declan sat leaning against the window of the luas with his arms folded tight as if to restrain himself. A couple of rows ahead of him two lads sat about the same age as Declan. Only they were leaning against each other cozily, one nuzzling the others cheek with his nose. Declan watched them closely. He watched to see if other people were watching them too; but nobody appeared to notice.

The luas pulled into Stephen’s Green Station and Declan slid out from his perch and stepped off the train, pushing his greasy blonde fringe up and to the side as he did so. September’s Indian Summer was coming to end so he had made sure to bundle up. Wearing his Doc Marten’s, blue jeans, a plaid shirt over a white t-shirt and his black leather jacket. There was no wind, it was just cold and the open sky above burned orange from the setting sun. Burrr, he said to himself. Knowing what weather the next few months had in store for his beloved city.

He checked his watch. He was going to be late but he was always late so this wouldn’t surprise anyone. Declan always had a very robotic walk which he always joked he inherited from his father. His broad back and arms were rigid, his strides long and with a clunkiness to them. He made his way through the narrow streets stopping when Hogan’s Pub was in sight to unsheathe a cigarette and set it a flame. Declan leaned back and inhaled, supporting himself against the wall and watched as pedestrians past him. Did no one notice them or did no one care, Declan wondered. His mind flickering back to the couple on the train. They seemed so … comfortable.

A loud clop of sound made Declan whip his head to the right. Walking towards him was a woman in a long, tan overcoat covering a long grey, figure-hugging dress and a pair of boots as loud as she was beautiful. Declan’s eyes slitted as he exhaled, releasing a cloud of smoke that drifted up towards the dusk.

‘Wheeetttt whooooo,‘ Declan directed an over the top wolf whistle at her as she got close. The woman had sharp features and a thick and shiny brown mane that showered down past her shoulders. Declan straightened his stance eager to learn if his action had earned a response of sorts. Her eyes were deep, brown and piercing, and as she walked passed Declan spoke, ‘hey babe.’ To which she gave him a get-back-stare. Feeling the ice, Declan watched her walk to the end of the street and turn the corner. He liked her boots and her raspberry lipstick, which didn’t make him gay he told himself. Sure he knew she was pretty sure … so It didn’t mean that at all … absolutely not at all.

When the lioness was out of view Declan smiled and gave a carefree shrug as if he were being watched. Her loss, he said to himself. Declan tossed the butt of his smoke to the ground and entered the warmth and noise of Hogan’s. He sidestepped through the infantry of young professional allowing a broad shoulder to lead the way. Mark had just started a job in the city and so now after work drinks were such a part of his life Declan and the rest of the home-crowd hardly saw him at all. Declan scanned the room.

‘Oi. Oi Deco.’ Declan looked to his left hearing the familiar call. Mark was wearing an off-the-wrack charcoal suite and sat on corner-couch with two other lads.

‘Hello stranger,’ said Declan pulling up his old friend into a hug. Mark’s cheeks were pink from boozing and he smiled at Declan with affection.

‘You alright man?’ Mark asked with a touch of seriousness in his tone, his eyes studying Declan’s face.

‘Ah yeah…grand… same-ole same-ole.’ Declan responded, wondering if he should be a little self-conscious.

‘You sure?’ Mark tried again.

‘Aye‘

‘Alright so,’ Mark cleared his throat. ‘Ahem…this is Barry and Paul,’ he said, gesturing with an outstretched arm. Lads this is Deco, one of my oldest friends. But that don’t mean you gotta be nice to him.’

‘Howya lads,’ Declan said with a nod and removed his jacket as he took a seat.

‘So you came in all the way from Cherrywood?’ Said the balding Paul who wore brown trousers and a white shirt with his sleeves rolled up.

‘Aye,’ smiled Declan. ‘Ah its grand on the train, only thirty minutes or so.’

‘Gosh I’d hate to have it as a commute, though’ noted Barry. Who appeared to wistfully envision the journey in his mind as he sat in his blue jeans and black wool sweater.

‘Oh I don’t. I work out towards Dun Laoghaire so it’s a quick skip hop and a jump for me.’

Mark, who had stepped to the bar after introductions returned with a fresh round of drinks.

‘Got you a Guinness Deco,’ said Mark handing a pint to Declan who welcomed it with eager eyes.

‘Ah … a man after my own heart,’ grinned Barry at Declan as he was too handed a Guinness by the generous Mark. ‘Nothing like a big glass of goo.‘

‘Well myself and Paul are on the whiskey tonight and you’re welcome to join at any time.’

‘I’m grand on this for the time being thanks man.’ Smiled Declan.

‘Ah sure suit yourself.’

As the group chuckled through conversation and more drinks, the bar bustled around them. People loosened ties and laughed louder with some beginning to dance. From the get go there was something about Barry that Declan couldn’t put his finger on; he was just so … at ease with himself. Far more so than Paul who kept tapping his foot and looking around like some shift back-alley trader.

‘Right. Now don’t give me any shite for this now like,’ Mark began. Immediately he had the rest of the lads full attention. ‘But I’ve started watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix.’

‘Whoooaahhhhh,’ the collective laughed.

‘It’s feckin deadly lads. Feel good - super chilled - doesn’t need that much attention you know what i mean. And all the episodes are right there.’

‘It’s Netflix man … all the episodes are right there for everything. Thats the point of it.’ Declan sheepishly pointed out.

‘Ah you know what I mean like.’

‘That your’e an aul softy and like a good medical rom-com?’ Shot Paul, aiming for the centre of Mark’s delicate ego.

‘He’s into his fifty shades of grey alright.’ Chuckled Declan.

‘What? No…that’s something totally different man.’ Said Mark with the shake of his head.

‘Well you’d know wouldn’t ya.’ Said Barry, swooping in for the burn as if he were part eagle - part ninja.

‘OOOOHHHhhhhhhhhhh,’ the trio jeered. Throwing a wet blanket over whatever point Mark was trying to make in the first place.

‘Ah sure feck off.’ Mark hit back with a hint of an awkward blush.

‘Oooohhh … you kiss your Mam with that mouth?’ Barry wasn’t done.

‘I’ll kiss you if your’e not careful.’ Mark winked at Barry.

‘Oh sweetie … your’e way too short for me sweetie.’

Declan’s pulse either froze or was beating at such a rate he could no longer feel it. He imagined that a hundred expressions were chasing the other across his face and so he did his best just to smile as he sweated and tried desperately to keep composed like he were holding in a violent fart. The others laughed as if nothing had happened and continued to talk. What was going on, Declan sternly asked himself; what the fuck was going on!

‘So what do you think Deco?’ asked Barry

Declan was there and not there. Lost in his skull and in his belly. Hearing he was being spoken to about ten seconds later than he should have. ‘Huh ... sorry, say again?’ He snapped out of it. Pushing back his hair and feeling wet on his brow.

‘United. What’s their issue? Mark says your’e a fan.’

‘Oh … em … ah … midfield. Sorry. Their midfield is shite, no creativity. Forwards are fast and the defence can be solid. But the midfield is no-mans land for us. There’s no skill there.’ Declan rattled off the words with very little thought, like he were in a trance. Barry appeared to mull on this, cocking his head to the side as he looked at Declan.

‘You could be right…no link-up at all.’

‘Ummm,’ Declan added meekly. Barry was looking right at him … right into his eyes. There was nothing wrong with this so to speak, Declan told himself. But it made his stomach tighten nonetheless.

‘You United fans. All that success before and now you just cant handle a grind,’ tossed Paul.

‘We can handle a grind Paulie,’ said Barry unruffled. ‘Just cause were shite doesn’t mean we cant talk about the team. It’s called conversation.’

‘Its called a bitter pill Baz.’ Paul offered a limp response

‘Easy there Alanis.’ Barry hit back again with a perfect white smile.

‘Aha I forgot … is anyone going to the Lo-Fi fest next month? Beowülf will be playing at it. Super-chilled it will be,’ Paul declared.

‘I actually will. There’s a lad I like playing called Bamf.’ Offered Declan. He decided to dismiss what happened before. His mind had been playing tricks on him for months now and it was getting very tedious to have his own head as an enemy. He saw meaning in things that weren’t there, he over analysed and questioned everything. Like there was an intrusive little voice playing Loki in his brain.

‘Aha … mah mahnnn.’ Barry tapped Declan on the leg sending a weaving current of electricity up into his groin. ‘You know your shit. I know Bamf. Solid stuff.’

Declan told himself the tap meant absolutely nothing. He told himself that having to telling himself the tap meant nothing also meant nothing. He told himself to relax, that he was with good company. But he noticed Barry’s smile and how interested he seemed. He noticed how Barry listened and looked at him. How Barry could make someone feel important. There was, relish in his company.

‘Oh Deco knows shit alright.’ Mark jeered. ‘Is everyone good for another one?’ Mark waved over the lounge-girl. ‘Same again please love.’ The lounge-girl smiled and bounced away, her curls springing to and fro as she went. ‘She’s the reason I come her lads. So cute and friendly, not a dickhead at all.’

‘Ah thats sweet. Why don’t you ask her if she likes Greys Anatomy.’ Said Barry. Declan wondered was Barry standing up for him against Mark. If this was the case it was completely unnecessary, he and Mark were good friends; but it was still nice. Fuck sake, Declan said to himself. Stop thinking like that. His brain hummed and felt like it was in a meat grinder. He wished it would just settle.

Declan scanned the room for the lounge girl that Mark liked. He looked at her and started listing things in his head that were attractive in her. See … she was pretty, he told himself. Mark was right. She has nice hair and beautifully treated nails. The way she has applied her foundation really makes her cheekbones pop. Declan could tell all of this. And what about the girl from before? Tall and stunning. Big eyes, great legs and a wonderfully light perfume. Would he take either of them to bed? Of course he would ... but even as he said the words to himself he felt a thin ripple of doubt in his heart.

‘I’m enjoying being single right now,’ announced Barry. ‘The pants lads are wearing these days … they’re so tight if you train your eyes you can tell their religion.’

‘Duuuuddddeeeee. We didn’t need to hear that.’ Paul joked with an unsavoury expression from head to chin. Declan just smiled as he felt warm tears behind his eyes.

‘Oh shut the fuck up you Pussy,’ replied Barry. Draining his glass and placing it down on the table. ‘I need to take a piss, don’t touch my drink when it gets here.’ Barry stood himself up and walked towards the back of the bar. Declan watched flashes of him weaving around bodies. As Barry moved further away Declan tried to pinpoint what was swishing and swashing inside of him. What the fuck, he said to himself.

‘I need to go as well. Back in a tick.’ Declan stood up. The bathroom was through the crowds and down a staircase slippy from spilled beer. There was a queue into the gents and as Declan took his place in line Barry was nowhere to be seen. Declan felt his stomach drop to his ankles … like he missed a shot at something important and immediately regretted it. A moment later the door to the handicapped bathroom to Declan’s left opened up with the sound of a toilet flushing and there Barry stood, offering Declan a wink.

Without caring what others saw, Declan stepped forward. Pushing Barry back inside and closing the door behind them both. Declan put his own back against the wall and pulled Barry towards him, looking into his eyes with an excited smile broadly painted across his face. The kiss was slow and warm. Declan could feel Barry gently bite his lower lip and touch his face and his greasy blonde hair. For a moment Declan was so dizzy he thought he might fall over, and then it ended. Barry stopped and just held Declan by his arms and looked at him.

‘Are you gay?’ Barry asked Declan … an honest question Declan should have an honest answer for. Declan scanned himself, his body and his mind for feeling.

‘Are you ok?’ Said Barry. Clearly concerned by Declan’s silence.

‘I thought I might be … gay I mean … but now I’m not so sure.’

‘Why did you think you were?’

‘I don’t know. Things I’m drawn to maybe.’

‘Men?’

‘No. Not in that sense. I mean when you were talking yes. But no.’

‘Well I am hot as feck, Deco,’ Barry smiled. ‘I think if you were gay you’d be certain with me holding you. Do you like girls?’

‘I do. Too much. But I like different things you know. Or at least I think I do.’

Barry had a confused expression on his face but Declan could tell he was trying to be sensitive. ‘What do you mean?’

Declan leaned forward and whispered in Barry’s ear. Barry erupted with laughter before correcting himself and becoming composed again. ‘Ahem … sorry,’ he said. ‘I didn’t mean it like that.’

‘No its cool I get it.’

‘No you don’t man. But you will. You need to blossom little butterfly. Show your colours. Because this cage you’ve got yourself in is really fucking with you. Stop reading too much into all this a take the step. Look what you did tonight. This was a big step … you’ve got balls. Hell Jaysus I wish you were gay. But I think this was a step in the wrong direction; and now you know the right way to go.’

The way Barry was handling this made Declan feel safe. He was lucky, he told himself. This really could’ve gone cauliflower shaped

‘Come on now, lets get out of here,’ said Barry as he took his hands from Declan an stepped away.

On the walk back to the lads Declan felt as if a huge weight had been removed from his chest … from his whole body. He literally felt lighter and noticed his cheeks hurt from smiling. Sure, there was some work to do, but he’d figured something out. He’d found his road amidst the fog and his brain had already began to hush.

‘Jaysus lads,’ said Mark on their return. ‘How big was the queue?‘

‘Pretty big Mark … your Ma’s down there in cubicle two,’ Barry chirped as he and Declan retook their seats.

‘OOOOHHHhhhhhhhhhh,’ the lads cracked and even Mark couldn’t hide a smile.

‘Listen lads. Whataya say we grab some final scoops in Cassidy’s and run next door to Zaytoon for a Kebab after?’ Paul suggested. Maybe all that foot tapping was about hunger all this time.

‘Solid.’

‘Aye solid.’

‘What times your train at Deco?’ Mark turned to face Declan.

‘Ah I have a couple of hours.’

‘Are you alright?’ Mark dropped to a whisper.

‘Aye man … its nice to get out for a few pints so it is.’

‘Aye … aye it is.’

The following morning Declan woke before his alarm clock and with a new found energy shed his robotic walk on the way to the shopping mall. He had beat the Saturday crowds and with a coffee in hand strutted into the cosmetics department. He wasn’t shy. He asked for samples and laughed with the checkout girl Karen who insisted on staying with him until his spree was done. When Declan returned home he threw his bags on the bed and began rummaging through them. Once he found what he was searching for, he stepped over to his mirror and looked at who he was. He found Lou Reed on his Spotify and clicked play. As the guitar slowly strummed and donged, Declan removed the cap from a crimson lipstick and began applying it the way Karen had shown him.

Lou sang behind him as the butterfly in the mirror came to life “Doo doo doo, doo doo doo doo doo doo, Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo,” and once the lipstick was eased on Declan looked at who now looked back at him. He regarded himself from different angles and smiled and pouted and stuck out his tongue.

‘Hey Babe,’ he said.

Thanks for reading!! Know someone else who enjoys a quick read? Feel free to click the share button below.