Emergency Room

-SWITCH lanes as we come upon the roundabout.

-Ugh roundabouts still make me nervous.

-You’ll be grand, just need a bit more practice. Indicator!

-I keep forgetting that.

-You’ll get it eventually … we’ll just keep practicing and drilling it into you. It’ll click.

-Yeah .. thanks.

-No worries.

-We’re going to a viewing in Greystones this weekend.

-You and Lisa?

-Yeah. Gonna get the DART out.

-Nice, man. That’s great. It’s gas that we’re both at that stage of our lives at the same time. We could even end up in the same place.

-Morning dips in the sea before a shitty commute.

-That would be the business. And weekend hikes.

-Jaysus listen to us.

-So what is this double-piss?

-You’re in your thirties now, soon enough you’ll be doing the two-part-piss.

-The two-part-piss?

-You need to take a piss so you go into the toilet …

-That much I’ve mastered already thanks …

-Yeah well, soon you need to wait for a little after you’ve finished.

-Why is this?

-Because when you go … that will be piss, A. If you zip up and wash you’ll need to go again in about fifteen minutes and that just gets annoying. Instead, just take a moment at the bowl. Give your bladder some time to rest.

-Rest?

-Yes, rest. Like a steak. Let the juices redistribute, and then piss, B. will come.

-So every time I need to piss, I’m gonna need to do two pisses?

-Exactly.

-What the fuck!?

-We’re not young anymore man, shit like this happens. Take the second exit.

-Can we do some three-point turns?

-Yeah. And we can do some hill-starts also.

-Yes, thanks. I need to get better at them. The pedals are so sensitive …. I just keep revving the …

-SEAN, SEAN, QUICK, LOOKOUT!!

-WHAT THE FUCK!?

-Are you ok?

-No, I’m not fucking ok with you screaming in my ear. What the hell was that thing.

-A hedgehog.

-Ah for fuck sake Fionn is that all?

-What do you mean is that all?

-It’s not like it was a fox or a deer. Did I even hit it?

-I don’t think so, we went over it and I could see it in the mirror. But you heard that bump right?

-He probably just bounced off the underneath. He’s grand. Sure they have armor.

-They have what?

-Armour. Like a shell.

-That’s a fecking armadi… where are you going?

-Heading towards, Dun Laoghaire. That’s where we were going, wasn’t it?

-You’re not heading back?

-What!? Why!?

-To see if it’s ok.

-And what if it’s not … what are we going to do about it this time of night?

-I have a blanket in the boot. We could wrap him up in it … watch, the light is red.’

-For fuck sake, I’m all over the place. I’m not going back and I am not touching that thing, they have diseases. What are you doing?

-Googling them.

-What for?

-To see if they carry diseases. Interesting.

-What?

-Says here they are prone to fatty liver disease, cardiovascular disease, and … cancer. The poor little guys.

-I don’t care what diseases THEY can get, I care what diseases they can fucking GIVE ME!!

-Hang on would ya … hang on I’m reading. They also suffer from balloon syndrome and … aha … they can pass on a fungal skin infection to human handlers.

-You see … we’re definitely not going back. I’m no contracting anything for an injured rat.

-They’re related to the shrew it says here …

-Like the taming of the shrew? You see, tough as nails they are … he’ll be grand. Besides there’s nowhere we could take him this time of night.

-I’m looking up emergency rooms.

-YOU’RE WHAT!? FOR A HEDGEHOG!?

-For animals obviously.

-Vets will be closed.

-It’s 2021 … there have to be some twenty-four-seven animal health services.

-We are not going back.

-There’s a place in Malahide that’s open.

-The other side of the city? Not a chance! Next, you’ll want me to give him CPR.

-How do you know it’s a him? You see, you’re starting to care.

-Shut up!

-Amy says we can keep him in a towel in ours till morning.

-……… AMY!? DID YOU TEXT HER?

-Of course. She knows much more about animals than I do.

-Fioooonnnnneeeeee. For fuck sake. She’s gonna tell Lisa about this!

-Probably not.

-She will and I’m gonna get an earful.

-Whoooaaa … what you doing? You nearly hit the curb.

-I’m going back obviously. Now that you’ve sent out a press release.

-We might have hurt an animal, Sean. It’s the right thing to do.

-Oh, would you stop. You sound like Mary Poppins.

-Why Do You Always Complicate Things That Are Really Quite Simple

-Who said that?

-Mary Poppins.

-I hate you, Fionne.

-It was somewhere up here on the right, drive slow. Jaysus I hope if we hit him he’s dead and not just badly injured ya know.

-I don’t see anything.

-Me neither. Do a u-turn. Maybe he’s on the path.

-I still don’t see anything

-Yeah …. I think we’re good. If he’s not there there’s a good chance he just waddled off a little frightened.

-I think we’re grand, man. Will we go?

-Yea … yeah we can go.

-You sure … we can look a little longer.

-No, I think you’re right. We’re grand. Let’s head back towards the coast and finish your lesson.

-Fine by me. Oh … and when you tell people of this day, as I know you will, Fionne. You will say that I SPED back immediately to check on the health of that little rat. Are we clear?

-Absolutely. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Wouldnt want people thinking you’re a complete dick, would I?

- The amount of fuss over nothing. If anything happens to me you better get me to the emergency room as fast as you would’ve gotten this thing.

- If anything happens to you ill get you to the emergency room as if my own life depends on it. Now don’t forget to indicate.

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