The Bloody Stream

‘HAS it got me,’ the old bird asked. The skin around her eyes was as thin as tissue and detailed with faint little veins.

‘Yes,’ coughed Sally. Clearing her throat and saying it again. ‘Yes it has. The dampness in your lungs is making it difficult for you to breathe and your body is tired from fighting.’

‘Feckin Corona. So what do we do?’ The old bird asked with a fierce strength in her tone.

‘You rest here and do what your’e told and I’ll make sure you are back playing bingo soon.’ Sally smiled, placing the chart back on the end of the hospital bed.

‘Bingo! Do I look like a boring old biddy. No bingo for me. I like to dance young girl. Do you know what its like to feel music and just let your body move?

‘Not for some time,’ Sally smiled. She was not yet thirty but her dancing days felt long behind her.

‘It feels like you’ve been transported to a place of untouched happiness.’

As Sally walked down the pristine white corridor towards the noisy nurses station she pulled out her mobile and dialled her Mum, still no answer. Jesus Christ, thought Sally, what could she be up to.

‘You alright love?’

‘Ah yeah. Can’t reach me Mam. Just want to try and stay in contact what with all this going on.’

‘She lives alone?’

Sally nodded and slipped the phone back into the pocket of her hospital blues. The last time she had seen her Mother it hadn’t ended well, it never did. And it wasn’t unlike her to simply not answer a phone call from pure spite. Sally was, dead tired, as the lads down at the morgue would say. Her shift had almost reached the twenty-four hours mark and she was now so drained she felt unnaturally awake. Running on fumes and a kind of energy only nurses found within themselves.

This is all a hoax. Fear mongering. Fake News. More people are dying of the flu. Of aids. From attacks by wolves. This is a mild illness, all we have to do is wash our hands and get on with our lives.

Sally watched as the man on the little tv in the waiting room of St Vincent’s rambled on to an audience of concerned men, women and children. Dr Drew, he was called. An American television personality with a medical license. Comparing a new and rapidly spreading virus to an established illness the world knows how to face. ‘Fucking wanker,’ said Sally under her breath.

‘Can someone turn that shite off?’ Sally called to an orderly who immediately understood that she was asking him specifically to change the channel. The hospital was a mess. Hospitals are usually messes, full of mania behind the scenes with smart people too tired to think while trying to save lives. But throw a pandemic in this cocktail and you make it a jaeger bomb. Sally tapped her foot and closed her eyes. She had a headache that had been slowly growing and felt that it soon would pop out of her like that scene in Alien when the beast births itself from the middle of John Hurt’s chest. White goo would spray over the other nurses … people would scream …it would be terrifying and hilarious all at the same time.

‘Excuse me … nurse …’

Sally opened her eyes and smiled warmly, returning to reality and cocking her head to one side slightly . ‘Yes Ms, how can I help you?’

‘I’m sorry we’ve been waiting some time … it’s my boy you see.’ The woman was about Sally’s age and holding the hand of a little boy clad in denim and topped with an overgrown mop of hair. Her eyes were red and fighting back the push of tears and her tossed hair told Sally that she hadn’t slept a wink. Sally got down on one knee and smiled at the little boy with bubble cheeks.

‘Hello there little man. How are you today?’ The boy had a wheeze every time he breathed in and out and an unsure expression on his face. Snot ran from his nose onto his mouth and he looked as exhausted as his mother did.

‘His name is Luke.’

‘Hello Luke … I’m Sally.’

‘He has asthma … he was born with it … but these past few days he’s been a lot worse. And now he has a runny nose and keeps coughing. I know this could just be a cold but really I’m terrified.’

And he knows your terrified which is confusing and scaring the feck out of him, Sally said to herself. Feeling for the mother but more so the lad. Sally took a tissue from her pocket and wiped the boy’s nose.

You’re going to be alright little man … don’t you worry. I see how strong you are … you remind me of Thor so ya do.’

Sally stood up straight, the soreness in her lower back twinging. ‘The good news Ms is that at his age his immune system is strong enough to fight the Covid virus from what we know of it …’

‘ … but his … ‘

‘Yes his asthma is a concern. Does he take an inhaler?’

The mother nodded giving her hair a good shake as she did so. ‘Two puffs twice a day of the preventer … the brown one.’

‘And when he did he start wheezing?’

‘Thursday.’

‘I’m sorry … I mean what was he doing. Anything out of the ordinary? Was he pushing himself physically?'

‘He had football practice but he always has football practice.’

Sally got out her phone and looked back at the weather from the previous Thursday. The mother kept rubbing Luke’s mop as if she expected a genie to pop out of the poor child.

‘Hmmm,’ Sally chewed on her lip and she knew well enough to know what that was a sign for. ‘Well it wasn’t raining last Thursday but the temperatures were very low. Four above freezing actually.’

‘We wrapped him up.’

‘It’s hard to wrap up lungs Ms and no doubt a lot of cold air got into his system which could’ve inflamed the lungs a little. Essentially I’m saying he might have had a mild attack and hasn’t fully recovered from it …’

‘What?’

‘Please Ms,’ Sally raised a finger. ‘Listen there’s no point in the two of you being here getting no sleep and wearing down your immune systems. Let me put his name on the list and I’ll call you tomorrow with an appointment. In the mean time, I’ll give you the name of some inflammatories which should help and you be sure to get him some rest. Do you also have the blue inhaler?’

The mother nodded like an eager child herself, hanging on Sally’s every word.

‘Excellent. Give him two puffs of that every nine hours until I get you both in front of a doctor … that will help open him right up. Ok?’

‘Oh thank you nurse … thank you.’ The mother picked up poor Luke and walked away as little Thor waved back at Sally over his Ma’s shoulder.

‘Uuuufffffff,’ Sally exhaled. ‘One down … many more to go.’ Again she chewed her bottom lip and decide to address that right away.

Throwing the first coat she saw in the common room on, the cuffs covering her hands, Sally ran across the road from the hospital to the garage shop. It was almost midnight with only the sleepy-eyed attendant within. The smell on the coat was familiar, a cologne she could quite put her finger on.

‘Hello Dev,’ said Sally cheerily. Her dirty blonde hair wet and glistening from the soft rainfall.

‘Ahaaaa … my future wife has come to see me … my troubles are over.’

‘Yeah yeah yeah man. How you keeping.’

‘Oh much of the same. But because of this virus all you white people want to be my friend now. People are coming in asking me what I think of these Chinese and their bat-virus … I find it amusing. I thought Irish people were too smart to listen to Trump.’

‘Different strokes Dev … different strokes.’

‘And how are things in the madhouse?’

‘Crazier than crazy but what’s a girl to do?’ Sally felt her back again, it’d been paining her for days on and off but that came with the job. ‘Listen,’ Sally winked at Dev who immediately blushed. ‘Give us twenty Marlboro Lights will ya?’

‘But my lovely future wife … you told me not to sell you cigarettes if you ever asked.’

‘That was long before your lovely future wife was working triple shifts during a pandemic. Please Dev … these are special circumstance.’

Dev reached behind him and plucked a box of smokes from the shelf, sliding them across the counter slowly, with as much focused guilt his walnut Indian eyes could muster.

‘You’re an angel.’

‘That’s my coat,’ said Paul as Sally turned the corner. Beside the front door of the emergency department was a little lane with a dead end that served no other purpose than for a drain to run along its centre and for medical professionals to discreetly sneak nicotine into the sacred halls of their own biology. Paul leaned against the wall with his blue-white eyes welcoming Sally, his eyebrows arching satanically while he himself was clad in a tight fitted orange raincoat.

‘Then what are you wearing?’ Sally grinned back at him. Paul was one year fully qualified and his laid-back approach made him a hit with all the nurses. As Sally pinched the smoke between her lips Paul held out a flame. Sally winked a thank you and inhaled deep. The smoke for a split second dilating her pupils and making her insides feel full and warm and powerful before the relish of release.

‘Feck I needed that.’

‘I didn’t know you smoked.’

‘I don’t,’ said Sally. As she expertly took in another drag and sent a fountain of grey breath up into the February night air. ‘How goes it?’

‘Ah grand. Radiology is backed up something awful but it’ll filter out over the wee hours. You nearly done?’

‘Three hours left,’ Said Sally, checking her watch. At one point, she thought her and Paul might have had something. But then she met her ex. What a wrong turn that was leading down a four-month-road of all smiles until the car crashed for the both of them. It’s hard to really know a person, she mused.

‘Uuuf I don’t envy ya,’ Paul scratched the back of his neck. His eyes squinting as they did so in a way that led Sally to believe there was more in his mind than what he let on. ‘I’m about to skip over to the shop if i can get ya anything?’

‘Ah no ta … I was there earlier. Dev’s not happy I’m revisiting an old addiction.’

‘Well … they are bad for you.’ Paul smiled at which Sally raised a strong middle finger and stuck out her tongue. ‘Oh before i go. There was an old woman on Ward A looking for you … something about teaching you how to dance.’

‘Oh that’s right, I said i’d be back to see her. She is a precious aul thing.’ Sally scrunched up her brow knowing she needed to be more organised in her duties and her promises. Never mind her wants. She was a nurse so she never got those anyhow.

‘Well she’s sleeping now … maybe tomorrow.’

‘I’ll make a mental note, cheers.’

‘Aha the best kind of note,’ Paul threw what was left of his Silk Cut to the wet ground and made to leave. ‘Take care Sal.’

‘And you.’

‘And put my fucking coat somewhere I’ll be able to find it,’ he called back from the mouth of the little nicotine laneway.

Sally started going over things in her head she had to do. A habit she got into after her first year on the floor. It was easy to get backed up in this job. Hell, it was guaranteed. But right now she had to be more diligent than ever. She had to go to labs - she had to call her mum - make an appointment for Luke - fill in the Ward B report - make sure the new residents were in shape to finish their shifts - hunt down whoever was surely wearing her coat - check in on the old bird; and oh yes, sleep. She got out her phone again and dialled. Yes it was late but at this point she didn’t care if she was being a pain, she need to hear her mums voice. The answering machine again. Sally raised her eyes to where heaven should be and once again slipped her phone into her pocket with a frustrated feeling of worry. Then calmly, she lowered herself on to her hunkers, and spat a mouthful of vomit into the little drain.

‘Where have you been?’ Sue the round-faced head nurse gasped as Sally turned a corner. She was almost the same colour as a plumb and Sally wondered if she were getting enough oxygen.

‘Pediatrics.’

‘You don’t work in Pediatrics.’

‘Sue I’m a nurse in Ireland … I work everywhere whether it’s in my contract or not.’

‘Well I need your reports for the next set of residents. This job isn’t just patients … there’s more than enough paper to go around as well,’ Sue yelled as she wobbled away, her purple face swaying from side-to-side.

Sally cradled a stack of binders in her arms like a new born baby and found a quiet spot on the ground between the coffee machine and the water cooler. She nibbled at a snickers as she wrote and recalled and wrote and recalled… She didn’t want to eat chocolate so close to bedtime but she needed the sugar rush to make it to the finish line. Almost there, she told herself … almost there. Appendicitis - broken wrist - corona - lupus - corona - chronic vomiting and dizziness - cancer - cracked skull and broken collar bone and suspect of living with a violent partner - corona. Sally wondered how she kept it all in her head. Was she now just a trained memory machine for faces and statistics. No … no she still had heart for this job. This she knew. Even when her back ached and her head split and she vomited in private. She knew being a nurse was what she was meant to be.

‘Sally quick we need you,’ Sally’s head shot up at the call. She scooped up her papers and ran to find the voice. Being wheeled towards her by two paramedics and a junior nurse was a body wriggling in pain and covered in thick, wet, red. The man was wailing and reaching with his long arms in every direction. His head was matted so thick with blood Sally couldn’t tell if he was blonde or a brunette or whatever.

‘What do we have?’ said Sally in tone that indicated she had zero tolerance for bullshit as she tossed her papers to the nearest counter space.

‘Laceration to the neck, he’s lost a lot of blood,’ the junior nurse who Sally thought was called Helen squeaked confidently. Helen was from Galway and ate lots of fruit and last week correctly diagnosed a blood clot in the deep vein of a patient’s thigh.

‘Do we know what type he is?’

‘No nurse.’

Sally could tell from the mess that the carotid artery had been sliced. ‘We need a surgeon right away,’ she called out loud for someone, anyone to answer.

‘All theatres are full Sally.’

‘This man is bleeding out and could have a stroke at any moment. Get me a surgeon … now.’

The man’s arms continued to reach and grab in every direction. Sally climbed up onto the trolly to straddle the man’s chest, pinning his arms with her legs.

‘It’s ok love,’ she said as calmly as she could. ‘We’re gonna help ya. You just try settle down now ya hear and let me put some pressure on your neck.’ The man wriggled less and began blinking frantically up at Sally. ‘There ya go that’s perfect.’ Sally put a fresh cloth over the bloodied ones at the left hand side of the man’s neck and pushed down with all her body-weight. The man groaned. ‘Breath through your nose love, ok?’ He seemed to understand her.

‘You two,’ Sally addressed the two paramedics.‘ There’s a quiet corner at the end of this corridor. Wheel us there now. Helen … in the next minute I want a surgeon by my side or a suture in my hand. Get to it.’ Helen dashed away, glancing up at the surgeon board on her way to the emergency equipment room. She remained calm Sally noted. The girl had a promising future if she could keep that calmness in tact.’ The trolley started to move.

The darkness of Sally’s apartment always served as a little jab to the ribs that in this life she was alone, as if life was taking a swing at her. She flicked on the light and hung up her coat on the familiar hook that she bought in Home Store and More because it reminded her of Peter Pan. To find her coat she had to go back out to the smokers lane and take it from a doctor twice her size, but seeing the blood licked down Sally from head to toe, he didn’t put up a debate.

‘Hey you, you little feckin peanut.’ A little tabby rhythm-ed towards her, rubbing his head against her shin and stretching out. ‘Oh fuck off you little flirt.’ Maybe not so alone, she smiled. She undressed in the kitchen and threw her clothes in the washer. She ate some orange segments straight from the fridge, its cold air sending a rise of goose-flesh up and down her body, and drank a tall glass of iced water. ‘Whoaa,’ she braced herself. Not one to muck around. ‘best get this over with.’

As Sally undid the wrapper from pediatrics she started to chew her lip again, curling her toes on the cold tile floor. She crouched over the toilet and listened to the sound of her own piss plunging into the water, feeling the occasional splatter of warm on her fingers. It was the longest piss she had ever made. Her thighs burned from holding herself in place, adding to the grief already attributed by her angry lower back. When she was done, Sally plopped down on the seat and waited some more. She didn’t look down, instead slowly raised her hand.

‘Fuck,’ she said looking at the little plastic stick pinched between her thumb and index finger. ‘Fuck … fuck … fuck … fuck … fuck.’ They say your life flashes before you before you die. Sally saw everything that had happened to her up until that point but also what hadn’t happened, the future she wanted, her thoughts and her dreams. With all the time she had had, moments to think about herself and her future. Dancing in the kitchen while waiting for water to boil, doing a crossword in her favourite chair while an old movie ran on the tv in the background; she had never thought being a mum was for her.

‘She picked up her phone which was balancing perfectly on the enamelled edge of the off-white sink and this time dialled a number she hadn’t dialled in a few months but remembered perfectly as her nurses brain tended to do. She didn’t expect an answer but waited for the machine. Sally didn’t care about speaking with him in person, but it was right for him to know.

‘Hi … it’s me. Listen i know it’s late but with my shifts there’s never really a good time to call. Good news …… I’m pregnant. Reach me when you can. If i don’t hear from you … no worries.’ she pressed end call with a certain conviction in her thumb. Like a foot putting the stamp to the last flickers of a camp fire. Naked, she curled up on her couch under a blanket, her kitty on her lap, her watchful guardian as she drifted off to sleep.

Five hours later the automatic doors of the hospital slid open with that distinct mechanical sliding sound. Sally squirted sanitizer onto her hand and walked in smiling broadly and nodding at the familiar faces, her washed skin and fresh hospital blues making today a brand new chapter.

‘Good morning Sally,’ said Sue who had now returned to her usual fleshy colour.‘ There are some muffins at the nurses station .. blueberry..

‘Oh no thanks Sue … just gonna have a coffee and get started.’ Today Sally decided to hide her coat with the help of a friend she knew wouldn’t mind. She pressed the button for the elevator and stepped off with the musical ping.

‘Hey there you,’ smiled Paul through bloodshot eyes. ‘Back to the grindstone?’

‘Same old, man … same old.’

“Doctor Benedict to B12. … Doctor Benedict to B12”

‘Whoops gotta dash,’ Paul’s ear pricked at the sound of his name on the announcer. ‘Speak to ya later Sal.’

Sally continued to walk the length of the corridor and turned right, the rising sun from the east sending a glow of yellow that ricocheted off the white walls of the fourth floor. Seeing a bin made her rummage in her pocket, remove the box of cigarettes and drop it in with a sprinkle of regret but also a dollop of satisfaction. She stopped briefly at the nurse’s station. ‘I have an appointment for a Luke O’Riordan late this afternoon … I left his mother’s number in his file can someone please give her a call to let her know?’

‘Yes Sally,’ said the collective.

‘And how was our attack from last night?’

Helen stepped out from behind John, a nurse who was on track to playing for Leinster before deciding on a profession switch. ‘He made it to surgery nurse. The sutures worked and doctor Flynn gave him the once over after. He’s been in the recovery wing since. Last I checked he still wasn’t conscious.’

‘Thank you Helen … maybe give a check on him when you can … bring him some chocolate once he’s cleared to eat also.’ Sally wrapped her knuckles on the countertop as if she were shuffling dice and walked away with one of those smiles her colleagues and patients had come to know so well. As she continued on her path she checked the time, and once more pressed call on her Mam’s phone number. It rang until it felt like the phone was out of breath. And as Sally ended the call the final ring continued to echo in the corridors of her mind, painting them with certain sadness. A sadness of doing all that you can, but failing.

The old bird’s room was bathed in sunlight which pleased Sally as she entered. She was asleep of course, her eyes closed and a faint smile at the corner of her lips. Sally slipped off her coat and rolled it up in a ball and put it inside the bedside dresser. She then walked to the window, the glass was warm to the touch and down on the street below, beside Dev’s little garage, a new display was being pasted onto a large billboard. It was the picture of a nurse, a doctor and a paramedic above the words - We Thank Our Medical Professionals For Their Hard Work and Their Heart During This Difficult Time - They’re Going Through More Than We Know. Sally read the sign over and over, not knowing how to feel, but appreciated the gesture. She had a feeling Covid would be detailed in the history books and wondered what life would be like moving forward. For her, for her friends, for her child.

‘Oh I’m sorry Sally. Are you taking care of her?’ Sally turned to see Simone standing at the end of the old bird’s bed.

‘She’s just sleeping. I was checking in on her. We got to chatting a lot yesterday.’

Simone looked uncomfortable but like everyone who worked at St Vincent’s, knew there was no point in beating around the bush, and Sally could tell what was coming.

‘She’s gone Sally. About an hour ago. Lungs gave up.’

Sally stood over the body and looked closely at the woman’s smile and knew, that although this bloody stream of history had claimed yet another good person; wherever this old bird was now, she was dancing.

https://www.rcpi.ie/physician-wellbeing/covid-19-health-and-wellbeing-support/